Ever sense I was little I have wondered what happens once you die, what becomes of life's greatest organ, what lies beyond the black void, what do you see, and how does life go on once you are gone? I do not fear death, not really; I fear how I will die and what happens after I have left this place we live in, but other than that death really does not strike a fear within me. Perhaps one really doesn't begin to fear death until you are on your deathbed thinking I should've said that or done this; death has always been an elusive subject for me and has thus far remained one of the few things that I hold only curiosity for. I haven't thought about dying in a long time, but then again, lately things have been rather hectic and I find myself trying much harder to remain smiling and laughing--I refuse to let anyone see my tears. I have become rather good at schooling my facial expression; I can cry in the bathroom and exit it like nothing ever happened (the only sign of my secret is my watery eyes, but no one ever notices them anyways). I have discovered many things in these last few days and like all things, I am not entirely sure I want to know them, but its rather strange to start from the end, isn't it?

Last Friday, my mother was admitted into the hospital due to severe stomach pains and continuous vomiting; turned out that it wasn't her blood pressure pills that were making her vomit so much, but that stones had developed within her gallbladder. That Friday night she went into surgery to have her gallbladder removed and has remained at the hospital since then. That Friday morning I rushed about the house, making calls to Jessica, Dad, Tsubasa-chan, and the doctor's office for advise, but once everyone was gone and silence filled my house, I began to weep. In the small amount of time it would take for Tsubasa-chan and her mother to arrive at my house, I did the one thing I knew how to; I pushed it all to the back of my head and erase all the lines of worry from my face. And I was a perfect mask, or least while I was up at the school I was; seeing my fellow seniors helped to ease the worry away, but at the same time it made me feel all the more sadder because mom was supposed to be doing this with me right now, not Tsuba-chan and her mother. And I thank god that Tsuba-chan and her mother were kind enough to let me tag along while they shopped; I don't think I would've made it through that day without crying. Once or twice I nearly cried while I was waiting on Tsuba-chan to try on one of her dresses and every time I felt my throat constrict, Tsuba-chan's mother was there, making sure I was alright. I have thank her one day, but it makes me wonder if Tsubasa-chan planned all of it from the very beginning. I'm more than glad that she was kind enough to stay with me and keep me distracted, but inside I could feel the thoughts building up, could feel them questioning why I was out having fun when mom was suffering so? Tsubasa-chan ended up staying with me until five o'clock (I walked her up to the school at 4:30 because I was afraid her father would leave and make her walk all the way back home, which is every far away. I walk about half of the way before my sister came and picked me up, but it was too late, the damage was already done; my feet swelled up big time from my arthritis. I didn't care; I deserved it in a way. Mom shouldn't have been in the hospital; she's supposed to be invincible (I know its wrong of my to say that, but...mom is always supposed to be healthy and happy, but sick and in a place like that).

I went and visited her yesterday (they still had not managed to secure her a room and when she went into surgery, there was no notification sent to her immediate family or record of her being moved to surgery) with Aunt Linda. I was fine until I got into the pre-operation room; once I got there everything just fell apart. Mom was dressed in a hospital gown with IVs trailing from her arms; she was stumbling about, trying in vain to walk off the pain from the operation. I was so startled by how pale she looked, by how fragile and old she appeared in that one moment, that it was so hard to hold onto my tears as I huged her. We began to was to where she was being kept (it was small square that had a curtain in place of a door and was made for patients who wouldn't be there very long) when I looked down and saw this yellow and pink tinted stain along the side of her gown. My stomach tightened up immediately upon seeing such a thing and then I began to get hot--a sure sign that I was going to faint. As I made it to her bed, I told dad that I needed to sit down because I started to get dizzy and then that was it.

What happened next was something that I have difficulties explaining, even though this will be the second time talking about it.

At first there was only a thick blankness that hung in the air, the kind of black emptiness that you feel while you are sleeping, but then its like my mind surged forward, closing off the parts of myself that I usually am well connected to and opening up all these different doors. Everything came rushing at me at once; I felt myself staring up at the white ceiling of the hospital as I was pushed into a room, I saw the metal doors open, the face of a nurse I've never met before, saw flashes of whites and grays, of blues mixed in with reds, of the glowing lights of the hospital wing, saw mom stumbling along with her IV and monitors; could hear the low vibrations of a scream that issued no sound and vaguely, I could make out my body twitching and jerking as electricity surged through it. I felt myself look through this darkness, awake and yet not awake. It was so difficult to find my way out, so hard to claw through that thick veil, but I somehow I managed to do it and upon opening my eyes I saw dad and the face of the nurse whom I've never met before. I thought I was dreaming because nothing registered; I could recall nothing about my life, nothing about the people looming over me, only that this was my father and that I was here--why was I here.

Where am I? What happened?

I remember panting, as if I had all the air taken out of my lungs, remember being taken home with a wet rag to press to my face, remember as I leaned against dad's shoulder that this was all real, that this really happened--and inside I could feel my heart break all over--remember how old and tired dad looked then, how I was left with this giant gape in my memory. I haven't returned to the hospital since; it was just the damndest thing. Dad insists that I get checked out, but I know that it was just me being squeamish. I was really restless after that, but after talking with Jabnel, I felt so much better. Mom is supposed to come home tomorrow; I can't wait. I miss her; its just not home with out mom here.

I got to see my Uncle Timmy before this entire thing happened. It was real nice to see him again, but seeing after so long only reminded me of how fleeting time is, of how short it truly is. I was sad to see him go. Aj came over for the first time since the fight; I've missed him as much as I've missed Timmy. He told me all about Jacon and showed me his Buster blade (which I REALLY hate him for! >.< ), keyblade (hate you, ya hear! >.< ), and executioner blade (still hate ya! >.< ). XD Next year, me and him and Tsubasa-chan are all going to together, in costume! Nya!

Well outside of that, I have been working super hard to keep the house clean (dad's a slave driver), so I am so fricking tired that I no longer dream anymore! I have cleaned the ENITRE house; there is no way he can make me do anything tomorrow!

-___-