Its been far too long since I've written anything on what is going on in my life, but to be honest, so much has happened and changed over the last couple of months that I just don't know where to really begin.
Long ago, when I was little, I used to thing that I'd grow up into a lady like my mother; I'd have a job that I loved to work at, I'd have kids to rear, and I'd have my own car to drive. I never did dream of being wealthy, though I did dream that one day people would know my name. As I grew up, I quickly came to terms with my dreams; those dreams were the dreams of a child who did not know herself. I no longer desired to be a married woman--for I had learned that the roles of husband and wife were not always as nice as they seemed--I no longer wished to have children or to even adopt a child--for children were unknowing and wild and unpredictable--I no longer wished for the life I once did. My new dream was to become a architectural drafter, a renderer, a modeler--an artist who knew the traits and skills of many. I longed to get a job that would make me happy, a job that would support both me, my mother, and uncle. Under all of that I still wish to inspire others the way that I was inspired, under all of that I still longed to have my voice heard over the crowd.
My sister claimed to have lost the spark for children too, though she continued to long for a house of her own, to be independent of our parents. She never claimed to want to care for the family the way I do. Not even the father that showers her with praise and affection changed her view on this. I suppose that we are a burden of sorts to her. She is engaged to a man who already has a daughter of his own and can not afford to support himself, let alone his child. And now she has become pregnant. I have never seen my father more proud, more excited, than the day she told him the news. My father had longed for a grandchild for years and had long since cut my brother from the cloth of our family (though I behold no grudges to my brother, even if I rarely see him and we are not full-blooded siblings). I hold no sense of jealousy or ill-will to my pregnant sister for a child is a very huge responsibility, but still I feel the burn of anger that my father will never give me that look, that he will never give my mother that look. In the months following my sister's news, I became a ghost; all my father ever asked me was in relation to my sister. He never even bothered to ask how I was, how school was going, how soon I'd have a nephew. My sister still lives at home with our parents and myself; she can not get a house on her own or with her fiancé. I think that she is planning to have the baby and let my parents take care of him--I doubt she'd let her druggy fiancé take care of an infant, but maybe her fiancé will stop smoking and partying long enough to cherish his first son. After all, that is what brings pride and joy to men--the thought of a son to carry on their name. In a way I had wished that my sister would have a girl, just to disappoint the men...but in the end it matter not what this child's gender will be. How my sister plans to fit this infant into our already cramped house is a mystery to me. My father is itching to go buy my sister a crib that will convert into a bed as the child gets older, he is already planning on where to stuff diapers, and buying materials to child proof our house. When no one is around, he and my sister urge me to quit school and to go to work to support the family--to support my soon-to-be-nephew. Already my father is pressuring me to leave home to make room for his golden child and his long-awaited-for-grandchild. I don't say anything to anyone about it for a while. I just press my lips together and continue working hard at school.
I eventually tell my mother and she assures me that I am still welcomed to live at home with her and that when I go to work it doesn't have to be for anyone else but myself; the money that I earned should be used to pay off the debt I've gained for staying in school for so long. I soon tell my friend Bianca about my home situation; she has become such a close friend to me. I am greatly saddened to know that after this term, I will not see her again. She is moving back to Georgia with her boyfriend and will finish her schooling there. I don't feel so small after talking with her. But still at home, I feel as if I do not belong. My sister's attitude is still rather ugly and it causes fights of all kinds to break out. My mother and her fight on a daily basis because my sister treats my mother like she's dirt. My father and mother fight because my father wants my mother and sister to be closer. And then I fight with my father over my cats; he claims to beat the hell out of my cat Peppy because Peppy is a talkative cat and always tries to get Ryu to play with him (my father believes that Peppy is attacking Ryu though Peppy has never even lifted fang or claw to her).
And then I had my first seizure. It was very scary. And I am glad that my mother was with me when it happened. My sister and father don't know about it and I'm not too keen on telling them about it because I am sure my father would just look at the situation as having to spend more money on me instead of on my sister. My mind is still not all there so working on school finals has been grueling. I sleep most of the day away and down liquids like tissue paper, but my appetite has slowly begun to return. I find myself easily confused because my brain is all muddled and I get motion sickness just by flicking my head to the side or my eyes from one object to another--sometimes it comes while I am perfectly still. I am sluggish most of the time that I am awake. I probably get maybe an hour of perfect energy before I become overly exhausted. I am such a slow healer. I am pretty sure that it will just take my body longer to recover. I just have no time to recover.
I have been offered a place among a group of animators, artist, and modelers for a large animation project. I am looking forward to working on it once finals are finally done. I think it will be fun to do.
I love my Audio and Editing class; my teacher is so amazingly talented that I can only wonder what he is doing in a place like the Art Institute. I suck in all the things he teaches us about sound and editing. My final for that class is going very well. We have to recreate the sounds for 2-3 minute clip. I choose Dead Fantasy 6 in honor of Mounty Oum. So far I've got all the weapon collision, explosions, wind, and clothing sound effects done. I just have to work on the ambient noise, the transformation sequence, and the laser beam sequence. But its so much fun to do.
I'd enjoy Storyboarding and Animatics if my teacher would get off my ass about the way I draw and color in Photoshop. My final for that class is going to take a lot of time to complete; I have less than half of it finished. It takes a lot of time and effort to paint the keyframes, but I am very pleased with my paintings. They are very realistic, which I am sure my teacher will confuse as being photographs and rag on me for lack of cartoony vibes. But I'm content with it and think it'd make a cool live action movie or as a short with 3D models. Never the less, I've basically said screw my teacher; I'm gonna do things my way and make something that I am proud of.
My Character Animation class is tedious but fun. Turns out that me and Kivi actually do get along together; our rough first meeting seems so long ago and neither of us seems to hold the grudge over it. Kivi is a brilliant instructor when it comes to teaching animation. I find myself a little more at ease with the process in Maya now. However, I have yet to conquer the Graph Editor yet, but I've still got time to learn about it so I am not worried.
My flashdrive, the one that holds all of my school work for the last year, had the FAT files burn off of it--which basically means that I've lost all of my work. I was able to purchase a program that recovery a few of my Maya files (my dinosaur and my first dining room), but I've lost all of my Mudbox files so all the detail work I did for my models are gone. Everything that I had prepared for portfolio is gone. I can only thank God that I moved my portfolio class back otherwise I'd be screwed next quarter.
So that's my life at the moment. Oh and my subscription to deviantArt ran out, so who knows when I'll be a core member again. Money is so tight nowadays.
Well I'm tired.
Hope that everyone else is doing good and that things are working in your favor.